lead_paint_exposure

today i think i realized that i'm afraid of going outside. i think i'll stay in bed today. [[see what tomorrow brings]]

i did stay in bed yesterday; i'm realizing i'm right today. [[see what another tomorrow brings]]

i think i'll stay inside today. [[and another tomorrow,]] [[and another tomorrow]] [[and another tomorrow...]]

not that i really know how that works. [[let go of yourself]]

i think i'll stay inside today. [[and another tomorrow,]] [[and another tomorrow]]

i just want to be by myself in my room. [[and another tomorrow,]] [[and another tomorrow]] [[and another tomorrow...]]

sometimes i wish i could be in my room without myself. [[and another tomorrow,]] [[and another tomorrow]] [[and another tomorrow...]] [[let go of tomorrow]]

-____- [["enough introspection for today?"]] [[fall asleep]]

(text-rotate-y:186)[i felt something flip.] i don't know how long i've been inside. i'm inside of my room, but outside of myself. staring at the spots where mom chipped the paint off of the walls with a spatula, i wonder if it's really lead. [["so maybe your problems are from the lead paint exposure"]]

[[wake up]]

well, when you put it that way... [["you said that's enough, but you continued the dialogue ..."]] [[fall asleep]]

after all that, i tried to just forget it. [["did you think you could?"]] then i felt it coming on last night, the quietness. notsomuch an inability to speak but a state of reticence. i worry that it means i'm feeling depressed again. [[it comes and it goes]]

[[like the tide]] [[like an undertow]] [[like the bus to mom's house]]

[[don't forget.]]

i guess it doesn't have to mean i'm sad. i hate when people think i'm quiet they ask if that means i'm not okay. [["didn't you just do that?]] i hate when people aren't okay with my being okay. [["are you okay with it?"]]

late again. i've been waiting here for 20 minutes. [[shake your fist at the transit authority via the sky]] [[sit and wait]]

[[sit and wait]] [[walk to the train]]

i think contentment is more neutrality than joy. i think neutrality seeks less change than a vector. [["was vector the right word there?"]]

(enchant:?page,(text-colour:#f3d9fa)+(bg:(gradient: 345, 0,#ffffff,0.5,#a61e4d,1,#ffffff)))what happened last night?

it hurts and it's hard to breathe. [["and you're not drowning yet"]] [[don't forget.]] [[the lighthouse is off in the distance...]]